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My name is Felicia and my best friends mean the world to me.




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Words from Before It's Too Late by Goo Goo Dolls.

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Sunday, June 28, 2009
Life Sucking

I have realized people suck. Like majorly suck.

I actually really want to cry right now. And it's not from a sucky proposal in my story, or from a movie.

But from the feeling of being forgotten. Or disconnected. It's hard to feel connected when the person you miss the most will only text and not call. I guess I'm really not that important to them.

The thing is. They don't even really care. At all.
Sunday, June 21, 2009

(First blog post from my phone!)I am watching stick it waiting for my brother to come home. i am getting sooo tired.

This is a tester to see if i can update my blog from my phone
Long time No Post?

Contemplation can sometimes be the worst thing to ever happen to a person. That's really all there is to say.

I have been doing alot of thinking lately realizing that there are alot of people I just need to let go of. I mean, I miss them like crazy but they aren't my best friends anymore. They are barely even friends.
Sarah and I were talking about this a few days ago.

We talked about ONU and everything that happened there. And things that happened after we left. We ended up talking about weddings too. She told me that I'm in her wedding. Which I'm glad. I want to be in her wedding. She's gone through so much and I want her happy. She's supposed to come visit me sometime this month. Not sure when. But I can't wait. I haven't seen her in like three or four years.

But anyway, we were talking about her wedding and then yesterday Sam and I were talking about weddings and it made me think.

Everyone seems to have someone. And for a second I thought "What about me? Why don't I have someone?" And now, looking at it, I don't need someone. I don't even want someone. Yeah, it would be nice. But I need to find MYSELF first and what I WANT to do first.

I need to get so into God that I forget about guys. Yeah, I'll look at them. They are VERY nice to look at. But I'm content. Well really not content.. But I am figuring myself out. I'm figuring out where I need to go in life and what I need to do. I have alot of things to accomplish before growing up. (Yes, I am 22 and I have not grown up yet.)

I was reading this thing I said when I was 6 years old. They asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. I said "Well I know everyone else wants to be a ballerina or someone famous. I just want to be a teacher. I want to make a difference." I must have been a smart 6 year old. What ever happened to making a difference? Did I become so complacent in myself that I forgot about everyone around me? How am I changing the world? How am I trying to make this world a better place for the future generations? My pastor earlier said "Whatever you do there's always going to be a kid that idolizes you." And it's so true. Even when you think there isn't a child around, there is. So always think "How would I feel if a child saw me right now?" You need to try and be a great role model for future generations. When you're upset, cry. Don't yell. But show a child that it's alright to cry. We've become a society that looks for quick fixes. Everything has to have a quick fix. When things are just becoming so intense, so stressful, do not look for a "quick fix" because quick fixes NEVER last. They just pacify the problem for a bit.

I always look for a quick fix. I upset a friend and I try finding the quickest way to fix it. Sometimes it helps. But most of the time I just have to let things go and come back a while later and say I'm sorry. I break my phone, I go to the AT&T store and just get a new one. What does that teach me? Break anything you want? You can always get it replaced? What if my heart gets broken? Can I fix that quickly too? What if I'm taking medication and decide to drive, and while I'm driving I hit someone almost killing them? Is there a quick fix for that?

How does the family of the person I almost killed feel? Do I get to see them sitting in the tiny room at the hospital praying he'll wake up? Praying he'll survive? Where's the quick fix for that?

There is so much going on that there is no quick fix. Not one for me at least.

I feel like the world's worst person at times. I do not think I deserve God's glory or anything. But we all do. I have seen someone hit rock bottom, completely lose their faith, and start rebuilding themselves. I should have been there more for him. I should have been there more for alot of people.

So I conclude this. To those of you who have been disappointed in me: I'm sorry.