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Bituwin -
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Words from Before It's Too Late by Goo Goo Dolls.
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Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Sad Tears.
Indescribable. Unnerving. Depressing. Have you ever felt so unwanted in your life, that you just spend days and days wanting to cry? My heart feels "fine" and nothing is exactly "wrong" but i just want to cry. I want to feel wanted or needed.
I cannot think of one good thing about myself.
I rely too much on what others think.
I'm not "tender hearted"
I'm not one of the nicest people you'll ever meet.
I'm stubborn.
Pigheaded.
Self-conscious.
Unreliable.
Lazy.
Unproductive.
Stupid.
Uneducated.
Un-God like.
Human.
Forgettable.
Unnecessary.
Mean.
Rude.
Bitchy
Horrible
Ugly
I bet there are 1,000 words that I am. But I cannot think of all of them.
Sometimes I will go to my medicine cabinet and pull out vicadin and think "What if I take 3x the prescribed amount? What if I overdose? Would anyone care?" And everytime I don't. Not cause I value my life too much to, but because I think "my parents can't afford a funeral and it's a waste of funeral space." How messed up is that? I'll be driving over a bridge and think "Who would care if I ran my car over the side?" No one.
I've talked to some people about this, and everytime they say "I care. I would be there." And it helps a little bit. But then I realize. They have to say that. If they didn't, they'd look like assholes. So in all reality. Who would be there?
No wonder no one will ever be with me. I'm too depressing. I try being happy on the outside, but on the inside I'm as ugly as they come.
I cannot think of one good thing about myself.
I rely too much on what others think.
I'm not "tender hearted"
I'm not one of the nicest people you'll ever meet.
I'm stubborn.
Pigheaded.
Self-conscious.
Unreliable.
Lazy.
Unproductive.
Stupid.
Uneducated.
Un-God like.
Human.
Forgettable.
Unnecessary.
Mean.
Rude.
Bitchy
Horrible
Ugly
I bet there are 1,000 words that I am. But I cannot think of all of them.
Sometimes I will go to my medicine cabinet and pull out vicadin and think "What if I take 3x the prescribed amount? What if I overdose? Would anyone care?" And everytime I don't. Not cause I value my life too much to, but because I think "my parents can't afford a funeral and it's a waste of funeral space." How messed up is that? I'll be driving over a bridge and think "Who would care if I ran my car over the side?" No one.
I've talked to some people about this, and everytime they say "I care. I would be there." And it helps a little bit. But then I realize. They have to say that. If they didn't, they'd look like assholes. So in all reality. Who would be there?
No wonder no one will ever be with me. I'm too depressing. I try being happy on the outside, but on the inside I'm as ugly as they come.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1908243,00.html
Read why marriage is important.
Read why marriage is important.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway. So bring on the rain
Today started out cold. Ended up....Cold AND rainy. But it was alot of fun. Even though I just hung out with my parents the entire time.
The Jo Dee Messina concert was AMAZING. She just had a baby five months ago. She was like "I may not look good in these jeans, but to me just fitting them over my hips is saying something!" She's hysterical. I'll update this more when I'm not sooo tiredd....
Friday, July 3, 2009
One Night In Paris is all I ask for.
I wish there was a way we could look into the future and figure out if what we want is what we'll get. It seems absurd, time traveling. But could it ever happen? I want to fall in love. I want to be one half of that cute couple that takes photos kissing, making them black and white. I want to be wooed or chased. I want to believe in actual romance. But I rarely ever see it happening. I took a facebook quiz asking when I'll get married and it said at the age of 28. And I know to most people it seems like that's SO far away. But to me its not. Actually my goal would have been to get married in the next few years. I wanted to have two kids before I turned 30. But if I get married at 28 then I won't be doing that, now will I? I've been reading people saying Kevin Jonas is too young to be getting married. (If you do not know who he is you live under a rock) Or that he is just doing it so he can have sex. But I want to say that not everyone who has a purity ring or purity pledge is getting married because they want sex. Some people are ready to settle down. Or they just know that person is right for them and want to have them in their life everyday of forever. I know right now I'm so ready to get married.
Yes I know. My entries contradict each other. I swear one is "omg i want a guy" the next is "i don't need one" back to "omg I want one." It's confusing, even to me. I know that i don't NEED one. Just would like to have someone to share my life with. To make cute videos with and take pictures with. Someone to make fun of me. Even call me cute. -_- . (Call me cute and you die BTW).
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Congrads Kevin and Danielle! Yay you two are getting married!